The Quest

I’m 36 years old and have finally lost my virginity.

Despite what you might think I am not an overweight, glasses wearing, Nintendo playing, engineering Dilbert. I switched to contacts in 1990.

At about the age of 9 I received “the talk” with all of the standard dogma concerning sex. “When a man and woman love each other very very much. . . .blush, giggle, snicker.” So I found out all about the birds, the bees and inserting Tab “A” into Slot “B”. This also cleared up the confusion I had concerning our horses insisting on playing unsuccessful games of leap-frog. One point above all others was pounded into my curious little melon, “NO sex before marriage!”

I was content with this explanation for a couple of years until I found my father’s collection of magazines. Apparently Tab “A” and Slot “B” was just the Ikea version of sex. There’s a whole Ethan Allen world of interesting variations out there!

Thus with my curiosity and my pants peaked, I started out on my quest for knowledge of all things sexual. Foolish young Jedi. . . . er, country boy. For the next 13 years, I studied everything I could find out about the subject. During this time I realized that there are some very strange folks out there, but as long as nobody asked me personally to put on a saddle or wear a giant diaper, I wouldn’t have to sock anyone in the nose.

So I found myself at age 25 with hundreds of hours of education, but no feeled work. I began to understand that sex is a lot like baseball. You can read all the books in the world, but until you step up to the plate you don’t know if you can swing the bat. Curiosity kept trying to get me off the bench and into the game.

Unfortunately my curiosity suffered like the “whack-a-mole” game at the fair. Every time it tried to raise its little head it was smacked with a sledgehammer of guilt. My upbringing kept getting in the way. I had even made it through four years overseas military duty with my virginity intact. After all, I was saving myself for marriage. Nobody bothered to tell me that marriage didn’t want me.
I finally met a very nice young lady who was more than happy to help me with my little dilemma. She was the perfect girl for the job, morel less. I was quite excited about the coming event. Ahem.

One brisk evening in October, she seduced me. I was a very agreeable seducee I might add and during the duration of one song on the alarm clock radio I experienced this phenomenon call sex. This event that I’d waited 25 years for. The most amazing, mind blowing, life changing thing ever and it was. . . . . . . . .Okay.

I couldn’t figure out what in the world all the fuss was about. I’d waited 25 years for this!? Sure it was pleasant, but so is beer and pizza. It was very disappointing after all of the hype. I thought about suing for false advertising. Not too much later we broke up and I went on my un-married way.

A few years later I met another woman and after an appropriate period of time we jumped into the sexual arena for my second bout with coitus. While more vigorous than I remembered, it was still the same outcome. I was down after the first round. The unexpected side effect of this relationship was the critique after each match. I kept expecting her to record it so we could do break downs later. “See right there? You bobbed when you should have weaved.” I cudda been a contender if not for a female Burgess Meredith.in my corner.

Shortly after the break up, I met the woman who changed everything. We became best friends over a period of years and finally became romantically involved. We took things very slow. However, when it finally happened, my whole world changed. THIS was the mind altering, amazing thing everyone was talking about! I finally understood that losing your virginity isn’t about having sex the first time, it’s about sharing love for the first time. All those books and the answer was in the very first lesson: “When a man and woman love each other very much. . . “

I’m 36 years old and have finally lost my virginity. It was worth the wait.